


you'll hate it and you'll hate me

by barhamilton



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (but connor and evan still have the mental illnesses they have in the musical and everything), (so connor still self-harms), M/M, Self-Harm, cotton candy and hunters au by softmushie, emo!evan, pastel!connor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 04:22:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13473588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barhamilton/pseuds/barhamilton
Summary: The expression on Connor’s face was indistinguishable, but it sure as hell didn’t match the pastel clothes he wore or pink streaks in his hair.That expression of fear did not suit Connor Murphy.





	you'll hate it and you'll hate me

**Author's Note:**

> hi!  
> this is my first piece on here, whaaaaaaaaaat  
> so, this is just a one-shot based on the cotton candy and hunters au (which i am currently obsessed with it's just so ADORABLE) by softmushie on tumblr, in which evan is super punk-ish and connor is pastel-ish and. yeah.  
> i might (meaning, will never) write some context at some point or something. though probably not anytime soon, as (since i live in australia) school is starting soon for me and Stress™  
> ok time to stop talking and let you read!!
> 
> trigger warning for: self harm and reference to a suicide attempt. that should be it but if there's anything else please please please alert me

“Connor?”

Evan’s voice was tinged with the slightest bit of confusion, though mostly overflowing with fear. His voice trembled slightly as he stared into the brunette’s eyes sympathetically.

The expression on Connor’s face was indistinguishable, but it sure as hell didn’t match the pastel clothes he wore or the pink streaks in his hair.

That expression of fear did not suit Connor Murphy.

Connor shook his head slowly, an anxious laugh escaping his lips. “It’s – it’s nothing.” The horror on his face betrayed the statement, his fingers toying with the end of his sleeves as if scolding them for pushing themselves up, for exposing his true self, for _fucking everything up –_

Evan placed his hands into Connor’s, the former’s black nails contrasting with the latter’s pink ones, and gazed into Connor’s eyes. They were filled with too much fear.

Evan couldn’t bear to see Connor scared like that.

“Connor,” Evan repeated, his usual punk-ish demeanor having dissipated long ago, “Can I see?”

Tears had begun flowing down Connor’s face as his expression morphed into a look that told Evan _‘yes, yes you can but you’ll hate it and you’ll hate me and-‘_

He glanced away as Evan rolled his sleeves up.

There, upon Connor’s forearms, were possibly millions of jagged cuts, some having faded into scars and some still crusted with blood.

By now, Connor was sobbing, and could only choke out a broken “I’m sorry”, not daring to glance over at Evan and see the expression on his face. Which would, no doubt, be one of disgust, because _Connor you’re so disgusting and seeking attention like this is so cruel –_

“Connor,” Evan began, disbelief evident in his voice, “You have no reasons to be sorry, this, this is… I… when did, how, are, have you…” He paused for a moment, shaking his head and pulling Connor’s sleeve back over the cuts. “Sorry, those are personal questions. I, um…”

Connor snuck a glance at Evan, vision blurred through his tears.

“I, uh, told you I’d broken my arm, from, um, falling? From a tree? But, well, um…”

_Come on, Evan. His secret has been revealed, and it’s time for you to uncover yours._

“I let go.”

**Author's Note:**

> hooooooooooo boy, sorry that was super short


End file.
